That’s no typo. Necessity is, of course, the mother of invention (Plato, if you’re curious), but  necessity itself is a mother&^*%. I’m sick of needing things I didn’t need before, in my former life as an energetic, in-the-know, relevant young person.

I have too many new needs to list them all here, and besides, it would be a snooze. I’ll just highlight a few that are particularly galling:

I now need:

  • to precaffeinate, i.e., to have a cup of coffee to be coherent enough to meet someone for a cup of coffee
  • to google text messaging codes like ASLMH (look it up! I had to) and new catchphrases to understand what they mean
  • to eat a few hundred fewer calories a day just to remain the same weight
  • “closure”
  • control-top everything
  • larger shoes (pregnancy plus yoga equals ginormous feet)
  • more electrolysis (see old Jewish lady beard)
  • help getting up sometimes after playing with my kids on the floor
  • Xanax
  • phone support to operate our new Brita filter pitcher (an LCD screen?)
  • and of course, the ass bra

On the positive side, I don’t yet need the following:

Here’s where I shut up and count myself lucky. Help me out here—what are some of the things you now need that you never did before?

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