Many people don’t need an excuse this good, but check it: Unless this story is an elaborate hoax, it appears that a Beverly Hills cosmetic surgeon, Craig Alan Bittner, has been saving the extra adipose he extracted from his patients’ butts, bellies and thighs and converting it into biodiesel fuel to power his gigantic SUV and that of his girlfriend. Yes, people, any fat, animal or vegetable or YOURS, contains triglycerides that can be fashioned into environmentally-friendly biodiesel.
Greenies like the fact that waste, such as coffee grounds and french-fry grease, can be turned into power. “The vast majority of my patients request that I use their fat for fuel–and I have more fat than I can use,” Bittner wrote on lipodiesel.com. “Not only do they get to lose their love handles or chubby belly but they get to take part in saving the Earth.” Bittner’s lipodiesel Web site is no longer online.
Never mind that, per Forbes, using human medical waste to power vehicles is illegal in California (you’ve gotta hand it to the person who had the foresight to legislate against such a thing–would it have occurred to you?) and the fact that Dr. B is being investigated for medical skullduggery. No, we must thank Dr. B for this lesson in physics and Formerlies. Let’s review, shall we?
Step 1. You eat a doughnut or an entire box, or more likely many boxes over many months after a bad breakup or a stressful patch or simply because doughnuts are the only thing that make you feel better about the degradation of the Earth and global warming.
Step 2. You fail to burn off the calories (or energy) that said doughnuts contain. Your body, wrongly believing that there will come a time when doughnuts will be scarce, stores them as that roll of flab that hangs over the top of your jeans.
Step 3. At some point you realize that you will never face a famine, and will never spend enough hours on the treadmill to use this stored energy. You then pay Dr. B to put you under and take a cannula and suction out the Formerly Doughnuts, which are currently fat, much like a Texas oil magnate would have his roughnecks pump the oil out of the Earth. You go home, swollen and bruised and thousands of dollars poorer to eat more doughnuts, because they’re THAT good and you’re in pain and the planet is still in peril. Anderson Cooper said so.
Step 4. Dr. B. figures out how to process your flab, and turn it into fuel for his gigantic car. It is now Formerly Flab, having been Formerly Doughnuts. It is currently biodiesel, and Dr. B and his girlfriend can get from The Ivy to Kitson on Robertson in high style. I realize that they’re within walking distance, but no one in Los Angeles walks.
Step 5. Dr. B, because he’s not walking but driving everywhere for free thanks to your poor eating habits, puts on a few pounds. He then gets them lipo’d out, and the whole cycle begins again.
This is a new twist on the First Law of Thermodynamics, that’s for sure. But hey, I’m all for saving the planet. And doughnuts. Gross. Thanks, Dr. B.
Photo by: Edward Russell, CC Licensed
December 25, 2008 at 5:31 am
I guess Soylent Green is becoming a reality, except that we aren’t using people for food, but for fuel. That seems very American to me. We have to keep our cars running.
December 25, 2008 at 7:45 pm
Hey Steph. Love the angle on this “beauty” article…. Maybe Allure would want something similar. Great job. Kudos, Gsbby
December 26, 2008 at 10:54 am
VW has always been big on diesel. Maybe they can come out with a new model called the “VW Butt.”
December 27, 2008 at 9:09 am
If Chuck Palahniuk, who wrote Fight Club, and Kazuo Ishiguro, who wrote Never Let Me Go, got together and conspired on a character, it would be that crazy doctor! Poor people would be in farms/camps just waiting to be harvested for their fat so rich people could go on road trips! Sounds like we should all go out and invest in KO (ticker symbol for Coca-Cola) because I am sure that’s all they’ll be serving at the farm!
December 27, 2008 at 1:07 pm
Your story has (meaty) legs… Dr. B’s patients are not the only ones fit to be flensed for fuel:
Of course this is, by no means, a new idea. Don’t forget the (admittedly spurious) “Argon Oil” TV commercial in Kentucky Fried Movie (1977), wherein the titular company touted its teenage acne reclamation process as the forefront of alternative oleaginous sourcing…..