2405130102_544f19ba87.jpgThe following is a thread from Facebook yesterday which quickly unraveled from a status update about the StrapPerfect, those little plastic thingies which hold your bra straps together between your shoulder blades and keep them from sticking out from your tank tops.

StrapPerfect is absurdly overpriced ($20 for a few little discs of plastic) but they work really well, and, in the short but venerable tradition of the infomercial, if you CALL NOW, they will double or even triple the offer and you get more little plastic thingies than you could ever possibly use, seeing as most of us only wear one bra at a time. (There was a time, long ago, when I wore two bras when I went jogging, but ultimately solved the painful bounce problem by quitting jogging.)

Yesterday

Stephanie loves those 8-shaped things that keep your bra straps from showing. Changed my life. 12:57pm – Comment

K. at 12:59pm February 20

why do I not know about those?

Stephanie Dolgoff at 1:04pm February 20

prolly bc you don’t watch enough crappy-ass late night cable.

https://www.strapperfect.com/flare/next?tag=os|sm|go|gn

K. at 1:06pm February 20

OMG! thats fuxxng AWESOME!

Stephanie Dolgoff at 1:06pm February 20

 seems like a rip but you can actually get them for $10 at Bed, Bath and Beyond and save the shipping to boot. 6 of them plus the tape which you are of course unlikely to need unless you go braless, which I never do. but it could work on little kids’ bathing suit wedgies, methinks.

V. at 1:09pm February 20

They lift ur boobs too!

 J.  at 1:09pm February 20

That is amazing- who knew that those things were for real?

Stephanie Dolgoff at 1:46pm February 20 via Facebook Mobile

I used to use a barette but it dug in.

H. at 1:56pm February 20

I used to paper clip, safety pin…damn. It’s like the simplest thing that we all know we could use and someone else comes up with it and makes millions.

F. at 2:17pm February 20

Wow. I think I saw them at Target–must own…

Stephanie Dolgoff at 2:26pm February 20 via Facebook Mobile

They do hoist ’em up. In theory. Not that mine need it. Snort.

V. at 4:21pm February 20

I love this thread.

Stephanie Dolgoff at 9:19pm February 20

It’s the the ShamWow! for boobies.

J. at 11:57pm February 20

Are they paying you?

(For the record, no. But if anyone offering free laser hair removal wants to try to compromise my journalistic integrity, I’m open to the idea.)

I just want to take this opportunity to highlight this indication that you’re a Formerly: a newfound appreciation for infomercials–not only what they sell (insofar as the product delivers) but what they stand for.

Yes, I am serious.

Think about it. What any infomercial says, essentially, is this: We all have problems, big and small. While we may not be able to help with the truly huge ones (you’re on your own with that smarmy dickhead of a brother who’s on the lam for embezzlement but your parents inexplicably still favor), we can help all of you Formerlies out there get through the day with a smidge more dignity.

Who among us hasn’t inadvertently mutilated a tomato we’d been trying to slice? Why is it JUST SO HARD to change the channel with the remote when you’re on the couch with a blanket over you? You want to stay on a diet but damned if all that healthy produce doesn’t rot before you get to eat it so you’re forced to get  Little Debbie’s at the 7-Eleven at midnight–again! They say a chimpanzee could buy and sell on Ebay but for some reason you, a Formerly, is still finding it harder than it should be. And of course, now that you’re a Formerly, it’s not quite so sexy to go around flashing bra straps as it was when you didn’t need your bra quite as badly as you do now. In short, the infomercial is the Formerly’s best friend.

Plus, I have to respect the guy or gal who not only thought of the thing my friend H. and I thought of twenty years ago but had the wherewithal to bring it to market. He or she can have my ten dollars (but not $20–exploiting old people is so uncool). And the thanks of Formerlies everywhere. Operators are standing by.

Photo by: Lexie, CC Licensed