870201750_4107bbefd2_m.jpgMost women would rather endure a Brazilian by a novice waxer in the midst of an fight with her boyfriend on her cell via Bluetooth than go swimsuit shopping, even on a skinny day.

For me, looking for  jeans has become almost as painful. And no, this is not so much because I formerly had a better body for jeans, before I had twins and before my metabolism slammed on the breaks at 40 and decided it would tolerate no more Nutella. Of course I Formerly Looked Better in Jeans. I have long since factored that in to my new, mature self-image that values such superficial things less (can’t you tell?) and adjusted my expectations of what will reflect back at me in the three-way accordingly.

No, what makes jeans-buying so hard these days is that the companies making the jeans now have names like “Rich and Skinny” and “Young, Fabulous and Broke.” The disparity between those names and my actual life is just too, too vast. It makes me feel silly. Worse, it makes me want to go shop at Ann Taylor. And that really makes me feel like packing it in.

I am not Rich or Skinny. Nor am I Young, Fabulous, or Broke, although I suppose I’d be willing to inch a bit closer to Broke if it meant I could buy me some more Young and Fabulous, and maybe a smidge of Skinny, while we’re at it. (I’m not sure what Skinny is measured in; it wouldn’t be pounds or inches or watts or kilojoules or anything. I’m going with smidge.)

The thing about Rich, Skinny, Young, Fabulous and Broke is that they are all extreme, albeit arguably glamorous, conditions. Since  becoming Formerly Hot, I’m less extreme about most everything. I’m not skinny, but neither am I fat. I’m not young, but not old. I’m not fabulous, although I do some things fabulously, and I have enough money so that if my girls need new eyeglasses it’s not a huge hardship. My life as a Formerly is hardly the stuff of music video vixens, but I’m happy.

Below are some suggestions for brands of Formerly jeans–maybe not an image most people would rush out to buy, but a label I, for one, would be proud to slap on my ass.

Solvent and Still Viable

Good Credit Risk Jeans

Surprisingly Attractive for My Age Jeans

Hanging in There Jeans

Nothing to Prove Jeans

I Forgot More than You’ll Ever Know Jeans

So Over It Jeans

UPDATE: Thought of some more. How about

You Wouldn’t Believe What I’ve Been Through Jeans

Still Standing Jeans

Yes, They Make Jeans This Big Jeans

Kiss My Ass Jeans

You  Just Wait Jeans

Talk to Me When You’re 30 Jeans

Love that Lycra Jeans

Been There, Did That (Twice) Jeans

Card Me, I Dare You Jeans

Bret Michaels Should Beg Me To Marry Him Jeans

Flava Flav, Too Jeans


May Need Some Help Getting Pregnant Jeans

Forgiven and Forgotten Jeans

Make That an Egg White Omelet Jeans

Is There a Pill For That? Jeans

You Didn’t Invent Sex Jeans

Hold The Door For Me, Asshole Jeans

Is that Hair on My Keyboard??? Jeans

I Need to Rest in the Stairwell Jeans

I Think, Therefore I’m a Formerly Jeans

Photo by: stephzerofour, CC Licensed