Most women would rather endure a Brazilian by a novice waxer in the midst of an fight with her boyfriend on her cell via Bluetooth than go swimsuit shopping, even on a skinny day.
For me, looking for Â jeans has become almost as painful. And no, this is not so much because I formerly had a better body for jeans, before I had twins and before my metabolism slammed on the breaks at 40 and decided it would tolerate no more Nutella. Of course I Formerly Looked Better in Jeans. I have long since factored that in to my new, mature self-image that values such superficial things less (can’t you tell?) and adjusted my expectations of what will reflect back at me in the three-way accordingly.
No, what makes jeans-buying so hard these days is that the companies making the jeans now have names like “Rich and Skinny” and “Young, Fabulous and Broke.” The disparity between those names and my actual life is just too, too vast. It makes me feel silly. Worse, it makes me want to go shop at Ann Taylor. And that really makes me feel like packing it in.
I am not Rich or Skinny. Nor am I Young, Fabulous, or Broke, although I suppose I’d be willing to inch a bit closer to Broke if it meant I could buy me some more Young and Fabulous, and maybe a smidge of Skinny, while we’re at it. (I’m not sure what Skinny is measured in; it wouldn’t be pounds or inches or watts or kilojoules or anything. I’m going with smidge.)
The thing about Rich, Skinny, Young, Fabulous and Broke is that they are all extreme, albeit arguably glamorous, conditions. SinceÃ‚Â becoming Formerly Hot, I’m less extreme about most everything. I’m not skinny, but neither am I fat. I’m not young, but not old. I’m not fabulous, although I do some things fabulously, and I have enough money so that if my girls need new eyeglasses it’s not a huge hardship. My life as a Formerly is hardly the stuff of music video vixens, but I’m happy.
Below are some suggestions for brands of Formerly jeans–maybe not an image most people would rush out to buy, but a label I, for one, would be proud to slap on my ass.
Solvent and Still Viable
Good Credit Risk Jeans
Surprisingly Attractive for My Age Jeans
Hanging in There Jeans
Nothing to Prove Jeans
I Forgot More than You’ll Ever Know Jeans
So Over It Jeans
UPDATE: Thought of some more. How about
You Wouldn’t Believe What I’ve Been Through Jeans
Still Standing Jeans
Yes, They Make Jeans This Big Jeans
Kiss My Ass Jeans
YouÃ‚Â Just Wait Jeans
Talk to Me When You’re 30 Jeans
Love that Lycra Jeans
Been There, Did That (Twice) Jeans
Card Me, I Dare You Jeans
Bret Michaels Should Beg Me To Marry Him Jeans
Flava Flav, Too Jeans
YET ANOTHER UPDATE!!!!!!!!
May Need Some Help Getting Pregnant Jeans
Forgiven and Forgotten Jeans
Make That an Egg White Omelet Jeans
Is There a Pill For That? Jeans
You Didn’t Invent Sex Jeans
Hold The Door For Me, Asshole Jeans
Is that Hair on My Keyboard??? Jeans
I Need to Rest in the Stairwell Jeans
I Think, Therefore I’m a Formerly Jeans
Photo by: stephzerofour, CC LicensedÃ‚Â
February 24, 2009 at 11:55 pm
I freakin’ loved this post. You made me laugh out loud. I’m thinking of witty jeans’ names as we speak!
February 25, 2009 at 12:24 am
Nice Site layout for your blog. I am looking forward to reading more from you.
February 25, 2009 at 8:52 am
I only buy LL Bean jeans. You know, the What the heck do I care? Ordered in less than five minutes between cleaning up dog vomit and shoveling dinner out of the oven jeans.
February 25, 2009 at 10:12 am
I definitely need some Hanging in There Jeans, or at least some It Could Always Be Worse Jeans.
February 25, 2009 at 10:50 am
Me personally, I think we should have a special Bronx Science class of 1985 special limited edition pair of “I forgot more than you’ll ever know” jeans just for us!!!!
February 25, 2009 at 11:35 am
HILARIOUS!!! This blog entry of yours easily rivals in hilarity with that whole, ‘NJ needs a new slogan’ thingy…where they came up with gems of humor like “NJ–next to a really cool state” or “NJ–was that me or you?” The amount of different jeans women can come up with…whew!!
And, I would easily buy AT LEAST six pairs of the “YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE WHAT I’VE BEEN THROUGH JEANS” and save the “SPECIAL EDITION BRONX HS OF SCIENCE-CLASS OF 1985–I FORGOT MORE THAN YOU’LL EVER KNOW JEANS” for Sundays, special occasions and holidays!! Woo hoo!!
February 25, 2009 at 11:41 am
This is soo funny!! Personally, I want a pair of “Nothing to Prove Jeans”!!! Oh! I’ll take a pair of those Science 85′ limited edition as well!
February 25, 2009 at 1:50 pm
That is BRILLIANT! I want a pair of “What are you looking at? I’ve given birth to 2 11 lb baby jeans…..
February 25, 2009 at 1:56 pm
I can’t stop laughing!! I soo very much NEED an “I Need to Rest in the Stairwell Jeans”! I try to act cool when I’m with others, like it was a piece of cake walking up those stairs – so not true!!
February 25, 2009 at 4:41 pm
Saturday Night Live is hit-or-miss with its humor, but this fake commercial was amusing enough.
February 25, 2009 at 5:20 pm
I was just going to ask if you’d seen the SNL Mom Jeans skit. So funny. I read your list to MY mom who almost broke her hip laughing (particularly at the “Make that An Egg White Omelette Jeans” & the “I Need To Rest In The Stairwell Jeans”). Hilarious post!
March 2, 2009 at 12:55 am
Is this like the longest you’ve gone ever without posting? What happen, your kid break a collarbone or something?
March 3, 2009 at 9:01 am
Hilarious! I think I’m a Been there (did that twice) Jeans (maybe even thrice!). How about…a new kinda jean called “Do what I tell” jeans! For the woman who knows SHE’S THE BOSS. Keep it coming!