I’ve posted before about finding myself uncharacteristically tweaked as a Formerly at little dumbass things that wouldn’t have bothered me a couple of years ago. Well, here’s the Peeve of the Day (POD), and it’s not even 9 AM: Preambles to petty, judgmental observations that serve to inoculate the utterer against potential criticism and making the listener feel thin-skinned if she’s hurt or offended.
Chief among these, of course, is “No offense, but [insert verbal knife here and twist].” But there are others, including:
“At the risk of sounding like a bitch…”
“I’m not judging her for this, but…”
“Don’t take this the wrong way, but…”
“I’m sorry, but…”
“I don’t mean to come off as racist/small-minded/elitist/etc., but…”
It was this last one that set me off on this rant. Yesterday, I overheard a woman on the bus talking on her cell phone. “I don’t mean to sound mean-spirited, but I have no idea how that girl made it into NEST,” she said. NEST is a competitive public school here in New York City that a kid has to score a 99 on a rigorous standardized test to get into. My children did not; most children do not. Apparently one child who did insufficiently showcased her brilliance for the woman on the cellphone, thus causing the woman to question her right to be there, if not her test scores. She went on to talk about how this child disrupts her daughter’s kindergarten class with her sub-99 behavior, and how it’s keeping her intellectually superior daughter from becoming even more so.
Think what you will about testing four-year-olds (I think it’s silly) but if a school’s sole criteria for admission is that a four-year-old get a 99 on a test, and the four-year-old got into NEST—assuming that no one’s mommy slept with the Schools Chancellor—then that’s how she got in. The woman on the bus was essentially asking her listener not to think ill of her for casting aspersions on a small child.
If you’re going to cast aspersions on a small child, I say, GO FOR IT! In my most petty, immature, loser moments, have cast aspersions on small children. Then I have felt like the rotten, judgmental whiner I can sometimes be. But at least I didn’t ask the person to whom I was speaking to give me a free pass. Do I think that makes me better than the woman on the bus? Yes, by a miniscule margin. I’ll take what I can get, considering I’m the kind of person who once in a while talks trash about 4-year-olds.
Such faux disclaimers have always bothered me somewhat, mostly because they signal that something that I probably don’t want to hear is forthcoming. But what has lowered my blood’s boiling point in the last few years is that I’ve tuned in to how manipulative they are. The person using these phrases is pretending to ask you not to feel the very emotion he is setting you up to feel, so that when you feel it, the implication is that there you are too sensitive.
Grrr. Manipulation of any sort, but particularly verbal manipulation, is something I no longer have patience for. Just say what you want to say, take responsibility for it, and move on!
Also potentially in that category is, “For what it’s worth, I think…” What that really means is, “I’m going to say something I clearly think is valid, because I’m saying it, but I’m asking that you don’t put too much stock in it, in case you think it’s lame.” When this phrase reflects an insecurity on the part of the speaker, it doesn’t bother me. But it does when it is meant to convey, “You are such an opinionated, closed-minded person that I’m going to toss out my thought, fully expecting you to write it off as worthless, because you do that all the time.”
Uh-oh. I hear that a lot. Maybe I’m that person. Good to know. I’ll work on that. But next time, just say it to my face!
Photo by: Swanksalot CC
October 29, 2009 at 1:27 pm
OK, I agree with most of it. A few things though…,
1. I applaud your restraint in using the word ‘silly’ when referring to testing 4 yr olds.
2. I don’t mean to sound indignant, but I find it insulting that great feminist such as yourself presumes that its naturally the mom would be willing to sleep with the principal to get her child ahead. I know for a fact that my husband would be willing to sleep with a great number of people if it meant the perceived well being of our children.
3. Again, I don’t mean to disagree but I am often buffering my unsolicited opinions (which is to say, most of them) with something like, “for what its worth…” and now I feel compelled to explain: I am always giving my opinion, its pathological, and I sometimes feel like removing the burden of giving said opinion any credence off of the listener by adding a disclaimer, thus allowing me to continue to impart sublime understanding of all things worldly and good and at the same time allowing you, the listener, a pass.
Its like when I am complaining to my husband about one of his many flaws. i will begin with something like; “I know I have many flaws myself, but…” OBVIOUSLY I don’t mean that! Its just a nice way to frame it…
Anyway, I have been completely unaware of the double and potentially carcinogenic meaning of my little niceties and i will try to be more careful.
Although…I dont mean to be rude but, you really should let these things go, you know WE can’t afford any more wrinkles 😉
November 1, 2009 at 8:03 pm
Great post. Someone once said something in regards to, when people say “but” in a sentence, the next part is that person telling us what they really mean. So I just ignore everything before the “but”. 🙂 However, when we talk about others’ bad behavior, I try to think, how can I react in a way that is both positive and gets the offender to think about how their words come across? What could be said to that woman, or are we too afraid to confront hateful behavior such as hers? I applaud you bringing attention to the words she spoke, and wholly agree that people, especially women, need to stop prefacing whatever they say in order to sound ‘nice’ or ‘agreeable’. We are told our whole lives as women that we need to get along, not stick out, play fair, make ourselves smaller in order to accommodate others. There are ways we can all communicate in a way that says how we feel openly, honestly, and tactfully, without making excuses for what we are about to say.