Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that’s rigged to an IV coffee drip, so that 20 minutes before your actual wake up time, a slow stream of stimulant begins to tick its way through your bloodstream up to your brain. When the alarm actually goes off, you’ll be capable of rising out of bed, putting your feet in the ground, and ambling into the kitchen to make a real pot of coffee.

This morning I somehow got some clothing on my body and made sure my six-year-olds didn’t dress for school like Brooke Shields in Pretty Baby (what is UP with the tights-with-shorts thing for first graders??). Then I turned my limited attention to making myself and my husband some coffee. He’s a recent caffeine convert, which means that I am spared the drug addict jokes he used to make at my expense, which is terrific. What’s not so great is that without coffee, it’s really hard to make coffee, let alone explain to the girls why brushing their teeth, not gathering stuffed animals and sparkly headbands for the children in Haiti, is the morning’s priority.

I was in such a fugue state that after I made the coffee, poured it into our travel mugs, doctored it up just right and screwed the caps back on, I threw my coat on and left it sitting there on the kitchen counter. By the time we arrived at the girls’ school, I was such a crabby patty that I was afraid to interact with any of the school children, for fear of scaring them.

I think the best solution, until the invention of the IV alarm clock, is that we trade in our 2002 Prius for a one of those aluminum coffee trucks, so that I can start drinking the stuff on the way to drop-off. Then I can set up outside the girls’ school for the other parents, and everyone can get square so they can begin their day.

What’s the Formerly angle on this? Take a wild guess. SO much easier to wake up in the morning a few years back. And so much easier to go to sleep at night. And do NOT tell me that coffee itself is the problem. That would be cruel.

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Photo by Gunjan Karun CC