There have been many instances in which I’ve said, “If I only knew then what I know now.” But then when I look at what I know now, it doesn’t seem like anything I’d ever want to apply in retrospect. Still, with age becomes some wisdom, and since I’m roughly halfway through my life, you can expect the following to be half wise. And feel free to chime in with all that you know, now that you’re a Formerly.
WHAT I NOW KNOW
That it’s much better to be a grownup than a kid.
That you will never fully be free of “unwanted” hair.
Unwanted hair is preferable to unwanted pregnancies.
If you’re the kind of person who always worries she offends people, odds are you’re too nice to offend.
Even the boss has a boss who has a boss, to infinity and beyond.
Sometimes it’s nice to be told what to do.
Heidi Montag is an idiot
No, I mean a huge idiot. With huge breasts.
Winning is overrated. So is being right. So is never quitting.
Dexter is not overrated.
The older you are, the fewer ulterior motives people have in being nice to you.
You don’t have to be a nutjob to be creative.
You don’t have to be a nutjob to be destructive.
Even thin women have problems that are unmitigated by the fact that they’re thin.
There are people who don’t like getting a massage. No, really.
You can just–boom!–become allergic to everything. Just like that.
One regular cookie beats five fat-free meringue cookie any day.
But if you’re going to eat five regular cookies, you’re better off with the meringues.
The fact that things are going great doesn’t mean they’re about to go to shit.
Hitting your computer never helps.
Getting snippy with the tech guy in India never helps.
Turning it off and on again usually helps.
There’s no such thing as an overreaction, merely a reaction to something that’s not actually happening right then.
Wisdom can derive from unexpected sources, like your parents.
That crazy lady on the bus will turn out to be far crazier than you could have predicted.
Everyone is as fucked up as you are, if not more so. Probably more so.