I was just down in the gym in my building, trudging forward to nowhere on the eliptical and spacing out to the wall TVs. I was plugged into my iPod, so I couldn’t hear exactly what Maury Povich was saying, but the chyrons (those little blurbs that appear under someone’s face as they speak) were cracking me up.
One read, “Says he didn’t cheat, hickey came from dog.” The other, something like “Swears he didn’t cheat on Heather with best friend Steven.” The most baffling one read (and I’m getting the names wrong), “Tests prove David had sex with several of Kim’s family members.” I cannot imagine what kind of test (except maybe a DNA test on resulting offspring) could prove such a thing. Did they submit to rape kits for Maury Povich? Really, really not worth it.
But it got me thinking about what my Formerly chyron would read if we all had them floating under our chins as we walked around and living our lives. Here are a few that came to mind for me, so far today:
- “Is banking on crease on face from pillowcase fading before book interview”
- “Is wearing the wrong bra”
- “Doubts existence of the right bra”
- “Bought deodorant and applied it on the bus because she was too harried and distracted to do it at home”
- “Would spend any amount of money on jeans that look good”
- “Wishes she couldn’t see her own thighs through the glass top table while she’s eating.”
- “Is ignoring thighs through glass top table and is now enjoying lunch a lot more”
- “Is one of those people who orders off the TV”
- “Can’t believe daughter concurs with mean blog commenters that she needs nose job”
- “Secretly hopes daughter winds up with her nose someday”
- “Considers herself lucky to have the life she’s living”
I want to hear what your Formerly chyron would say! Please post if you have a minute.
And PS. I will be on the Today Show next week and will presumably have an actual chyron. I wonder what it will say.
August 10, 2010 at 1:51 pm
>> Is lamenting purchase of exercise ball chair for desk as she moves to kitchen table to work.
>> Knows she has half her lunch stuck in her teeth but doesn’t feel like dealing with it. (Might make for good snack later!)
>> Is thrilled she just finished today’s project so she can get back to reading Little Bee.
>> Knows she looks young but is still not happy about aging.
>> Thinks her laryngitis makes her sound like Rebecca De Mornay in Risky Business.
August 10, 2010 at 2:27 pm
Hi Stephanie – just blogged about you, thought you might be interested in our site, too: http://www.chickchatradio.com Congrats on all your success so far, and best of luck on the book launch!
August 10, 2010 at 3:10 pm
* Knows the shirt she’s wearing is unflattering and secretly hopes nobody asks when the baby is due because she’s not pregnant.
This post cracked me up! I want everyone to have a chyron so I will know what’s up and I won’t have to make them up. Thanks for the gigles! Oh and I’m sharing you with my blog buddies. Hope you don’t mind.
August 10, 2010 at 3:36 pm
* Is wondering whether her bangs make her look heavy.
* Is wondering if she is really just heavy?
* Just nearly died trying to swim 2 laps in pool.
*Must be ‘cuz she’s heavy.
August 11, 2010 at 2:27 am
(Sorry, this isn’t about the blurb thingies, but there is no where else to post it.)
Ms. Formerly says:
“I had crossed a line into strange, uncharted life territory, one in which I no longer felt like me. I joked to friends that I was “formerly hot,” and clearly I struck a nerve. There are many women like me, bitchslapped into a new category of person: adult “tweens,” not quite middle-aged, but no longer our reckless, restless, gravity-defying selves.”
Ms. Formerly states she is 43. Since when is 43 not middle-aged? 43 is halfway to 86. What age do you think someone becomes middle-aged?
August 11, 2010 at 1:54 pm
Secretly knows there isn’t a pair of Spanx in the WORLD that would hold in this Buddha-Belly!
August 12, 2010 at 4:17 pm
Mine are:
*Secretly loves playing with blocks and watching Olivia
*Didn’t learn to ride a bike until she was 18
*Contemplating NOT covering the white hairs swimming among her dark brown locks.
*Wants to wear resort collections year around.
Great post!
August 17, 2010 at 5:42 pm
Formerlyhad a jaw line.
Is wondering if she could blame disappearing jaw line on gravity and aging rather than obvious weight gain to her friends without them raising their eyebrows.
August 18, 2010 at 8:05 am
*Is wearing jeans pulled up over belly button to contain “muffin top” from spilling over