“YOU SAID A BAD WORD TO ME!!” my daughter Sasha, 7, cried, shocked, after I had, in fact, said a bad word to her. I loudly think lots of bad words to my children, but rarely do they come out of my mouth in their hearing. The bad word in question was “damned,” as in Lady MacBeth’s, “Out, out, damned spot,” Queen of the Damned, and, of course, Damned if you Do, Damned if you Don’t (a.k.a., life with twins, which I am living).
I had kept it clean the first three times I asked her to please stop putting her light-up Twinkle Toes Sketchers on the hump in the middle of the back of the taxi, where Viv’s feet naturally rested when they hung down directly from her legs. Even if sister kicking was not her intention when she swung her feet with some force in the direction of her sister, Vivian experienced the perception of being kicked, so could she please…etc. It was the end of a long day of travel, and all three of us were frayed and thirsty and both of them had been doing things like holding one finger two molecules away the other’s cheek and then protesting, “But I wasn’t actually touching her!” I was depleted, and two old ladies and a hipster couple actually moved away from us on the train, my children were so annoying.
So, shocker, request number four came out like this: “Move your damned feet and stop kicking your sister!”, immediately followed by horror and disbelief that Mommy Freakin’ Sunshine would use a “bad” word.
Of course, I don’t want my girls to learn to curse, and I wish I hadn’t done so myself. But unlike when I was a young(er) mom, I felt no need to apologize for the emotions behind the expletive. In fact, I felt somewhat proud that I hadn’t dropped the F-bomb. That showed remarkable restraint, given that at that moment I would have killed for a Coke Zero. These small personal mom victories that no one witnesses because you’re usually alone with your children when they happen are the only things that keep me going sometimes.
Back when my girls were little, pre-Formerly, I felt that being angry, annoyed, bored witless or unmoved by the joys of motherhood at any given moment made me a rotten mom, destined to have effed up kids. Now, I believe otherwise. It took crossing into not-young territory to fully get that you feel what you feel when you feel it, even if you’d rather not. And then it passes and, generally speaking, you feel better. It makes being a mom a hell of a lot easier. Sorry. Heck of a lot easier.
“If you ignore me four times, you have to expect me to get angry,” I said to Sasha. “How would you like it if I ignored you?”
“But you still shouldn’t use that word,” Sasha sniffed at me. “That’s why they call it a bad word!” Calmer, I conceded that I shouldn’t have, but reminded her that she really should have listened the first or at least the second time I asked her to do something. She grunted agreement and it was over. I have no idea if my cursing will make her more likely to listen in the future. Likely, it’ll have no effect.
The taxi incident got me thinking about “bad” words, though. Impolite, crude, that I get. But “bad?” What freaked Sasha out about the word “damned” was how angry I sounded saying it–we’re not religious and she doesn’t know what it means. Like all words, it’s just a symbol for something else, in this case extreme pissed-offness, which I don’t think is such a horrible thing if you learn from it.
Vivian once told me that someone at school told her that the word “stupid” was a bad word. I told her it wasn’t, but that calling a person stupid was unkind, as was saying someone’s idea was stupid, especially in front of her. Thinking some things are stupid shows that you’re a discriminating individual; thinking that all things are stupid shows that you’re a snob. Words can be handy, either way. And “fat,” of course, is seen as a bad word, when it’s merely a descriptive, like brown or fuzzy. It’s impolite to comment on someone’s body, to be sure, but what’s bad about the word itself is all the unfair connotations that are associated with it as applied to people. No one minds a big fat wallet.
So I have a few questions, because I’m a little obsessed with this topic. I’d love to hear your thoughts:
1. do you curse more or less now that you’re a Formerly (assuming you are)?
2. what are some words you sub in for the words you’d really like to be saying, assuming you have the presence of mind I didn’t have in the above example?
3. do you think there’s a such thing as “bad” words? Hate speech that incites violence would qualify in my book, but what about salty talk and the like?
Thanks!
September 7, 2010 at 2:30 pm
this had me laughing out loud. I’ve said stupid b/f.. not TO the kids but about something & gotten the “mooomm that’s a bad word!” ugh… Other words.. I use dang a LOT! it’s my replacement for damn.. however last week for the 10000th time i asked my 6 yr old to put away his shoes- yep then it came out- put away your DAMN shoes… ! i couldn’t help it- i didn’t know how else to get his attention.. however he put them away & never said a word about the “word” mom’s have moments too & i think it’s ok once in a while…
September 7, 2010 at 4:42 pm
at about the time my youngest was in….say…10th grade…i let lose with the sh–word. he was dumbfounded and tickled.
at about the time my oldest was in 6th grade, and we were driving on the autobahn in germany, i let lose the sh–word when something out of the ordinary for autobahn driving occurred. all she said was “MOOOOMMMMMMMYYYYYYYY!!!!!”
they are both in college (freshman and grad student) and now laugh at me when a “bad” word appears. sh– seems to be my preferred word of choice. the F-word will never, ever be heard by them…simply cause I never use it.
I seem to curse more now, i think. “Frickin” is now a favored word, unfortunately.
September 8, 2010 at 8:07 am
A few years back, I spent the better part of an hour trying to convince my then-7-year-old daughter that I had, in fact, said, “Bucket!” http://bit.ly/cznvMh
I’m no saint and I do feel that sometimes there’s nothing quite so satisfying as letting a good curse word fly in a moment of exasperation. Of course, in an ideal world, it’s not directed at anyone in particular, just shouted out to the universe with no particular target in mind.
I have cautioned my girls about words like “stupid”, when used in a mean-spirited way. And when they say, “I hate ___________!” I inevitably respond with,”Well, ‘hate’ is a very strong word.” So lately they’ve taken to correcting themselves: “I LOATHE _____________!”
Thanks for your post. Glad to know I’m not the only one who slips up…every now and then.
September 8, 2010 at 10:57 am
I find that I do swear more often as I have gotten older. I don’t have kids and find that I have to catch myself in front of my friends’ kids when speaking. Sometimes it just makes you feel better to curse. It’s not always lady like but it serves its purpose.
September 8, 2010 at 11:45 am
I’m on the reverse of this. I do curse when ticked off, but I never said a curse word in front of my mother. She died never hearing a curse word from any of her children.
Recently it was in the news that cursing was a good stress reliever and I wholeheartedly agree, but I’m sure Mom is not pleased.
September 8, 2010 at 12:19 pm
The joys of cursing, and perceived “bad words”.
I grew up around coarse, crude males. Truckers, hunters and military guys (sometimes a combination!). When I started working, I worked out on a military installation, with nothing but soldiers for miles. Then I worked in a prison. After that – yup, more roughnecks, this time in the form of slope workers (i.e., Arctic Slope oil rig workers). I currently work in rehab (drug/alcohol) and many of my friends are commercial fishermen, former milltary, or from previous occupations.
Needless to say, swearing is almost an artform for some of us. I have been known to eloquently cuss out a drunk at a bar that just wouldn’t “take a hint” when I said that I had no desire to dance (or take my nose out of my book since I was the DD). I can also hold my own, and get the better of, my abusive 1st husband whenever he happens to track me down via internet or phone.
Now, cussing around kids is a bit different. I try not to do it, I really do. I have four very active boys, and as is the nature of boys, they don’t always listen. Hell, they sometimes don’t even hear me when they are playing together in the same room. They know the “7 words you can’t say on tv” (God I miss Carlin). They know that there are some words that they cannot say (yet, with public school – I’m sure they do at recess anyways – I know I did).
My explanation on why they SHOULDN’T cuss is this: The majority of people who cuss lack the intelligence needed to use other, more socially acceptable words to express their frustration. If they want to prove to themselves, and to those around them that they have some intelligence, they shouldn’t cuss.
Of course, this brings up the “but Mom, you cuss” reply. To that, I say this: Yes, I do cuss on occasion (thank goodness they don’t see me at the office some days!). I do it out of habit since your Grandpa (actually, MY grandpa) cussed all the time around me, and it is an aquired bad habit that I have not been able to completely break. (Just a note, my grandpa was a Korean War vet, from a poor farming family of immigrants who was a commercial truck driver for the pipeline for 30 years. Also a big hunter/fisher.) I also tell my kids that by cussing, I am showing my lack of education (9th grade drop-out with a GED, haven’t had the time to go back to college).
I don’t think I’ll be telling them anytime soon that studies show that occasional cussing actually is therapeutic.
September 9, 2010 at 8:59 am
I recently had a conversation with my mom about “bad words”. She was talking about my brother’s extended family in Japan using English words that they didn’t entirely understand the negative connotations behind – that we Anglophones associate with them. I argued that it was all contextual and what mattered was the intent. Is it really so bad to yell “Shut Up!” at your dogs, when you truly mean it in the same way someone else would say “Be quiet!” or “Stop barking!”? Especially if no one around you even thinks of it as being a harsher sounding phrase?
We’ll never agree when it comes to use of language. She also gets upset with my children for saying “What the!?” because it IMPLIES that they are leaving off the really awful “bad word” but is there INTENT to use it! WTF?! 😀