I committed the classic Formerly Facebook blunder this morning. I was trying to hide my relationship status, and in so doing, announced to the universe (my tiny universe, but one which includes over a thousand people because of friends I’ve made through the book) that “I was no longer married!!!!” with a big freakin’ red heart next to it. Ugh. Of course I tried to fix it by putting that I was married, but it announced that too with another big red heart, so all that did was call attention to the fact that I’d been futzing with my status and something was up.
Well, something is up. My husband and I are separating after almost ten years, with caring and friendship and our daughters front and center of our consideration. For those of you who read my book, this might come as a bit of a surprise, but of course, things change and despite everyone’s best intentions and a boatload of effort, marriage can be a bear and separating winds up being the best of two crappy options.
I managed to delete the news feed items on Facebook and adjusted my privacy settings to simply not offer a relationship status, so I don’t need tech tips. What I do need is perspective from the Formerly Married among you about adjusting to this new real life status. Thanks in advance.
January 14, 2011 at 9:36 am
I can’t offer any advice but wanted to pass along my sincerest condolences and wish you the best in moving forward. If it helps, all of my friends who divorced have ended up in much happier places. The ability to make this change must mean that you are willing to work toward a better place.
January 14, 2011 at 12:52 pm
Shelley, thank you. It does help. It is the right thing, but right now…ugh.
January 14, 2011 at 11:17 am
Sorry to hear this, Steph. Thinking of you.
January 14, 2011 at 11:19 am
Hang in there! My husband I were separated for a year. We decided to use the time to heal and did not rush out and suddenly act single. Now, back together, we are in a much better place and are family is intact. I know not everyone’s situation is the same but do know that you CAN find the love again! Best of luck.
January 14, 2011 at 11:20 am
Realized the spelling gaffe after submitting. Oh well.
January 14, 2011 at 11:38 am
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I wish I had some advice for you as I am going through the same thing myself after 13 years and two children. People change and their needs change. But, I’m optimistic that this will be a positive thing for me and an opportunity for personal growth that I haven’t had in a very long time. Good luck to you, my friend!
January 14, 2011 at 12:53 pm
Thank you, Kristen. I’m sorry for your troubles, too. I’m optimistic, too. It’s the right now part that’s very hard.
January 14, 2011 at 3:11 pm
Having been through separating….then moving all the way across the country because of it…and then the yucky divorce, the one thing I can tell you is “this too shall pass”. I know it sounds trite, but it is true. I swore that I would never find anyone and I would be alone. I wasn’t alone then because I had my friends, and I definately was not alone when I started to date and met my next boyfriend. The advice I have to give is…think about things way more then once before you act on it so you don’t regret anything (like bleaching your husbands favorite clothes…or shotgun…I live in the south), remember that he will be in your life in some fashion forever so try to be friendly, and petron shots can fix the pain temporarily. Don’t use that last one too much…it can get you into trouble. lol. Also I highly recommend reading Andy Andrews…everyone needs some perspective.
January 14, 2011 at 3:57 pm
I don’t know Andy Andrews, but I think I’m familiar with Petron. Thanks. 🙂
January 14, 2011 at 3:44 pm
Best of luck and lots of love to you and yours, Stephanie. You have probably read “when the flames go up”? It’s the blog written by two formerly-married parents, from AskMoxie and Laid-off Dad: http://whentheflamesgoup.com/
January 14, 2011 at 3:57 pm
Thanks, Cory. I have read it. It’s really, really good. I hope that we’re that communicative eventually.
January 14, 2011 at 5:54 pm
just started reading you. sorry to hear about this.
I read when the flames, but I also read this blogger, blogging in two different places, and she has an interesting perspective, and is an amazing writer:
http://irretrievablybroken.wordpress.com/
http://blogs.babble.com/divorced-with-kids/
(on the other hand, in a totally contradictory fashion, I was glad to hear a commenter
who made it back from separation)
January 15, 2011 at 1:14 pm
Sigh..Steph, I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this. Although my situation is different than yours, because Gabriel’s father and I never married, the issue the kids will have will be similar nonetheless. The good news is that your kids still have both parents, albeit in separate places. Mom’s house, Dad’s house is a much better outcome than one parent not involved in their life at all.
What I would suggest to you is getting involved in a support group of women in your exact situation..I would suggest the same for the kids..there are groups out there that gear themselves to helping kids cope after divorce.
You will survive this. Just be consistent in reinforcing your love, as well as dad’s love for the girls…and as Beth mentioned above, because he will be in your life forever, stay civil despite any hard feelings. I know we are all human, and ego is always involved initially…but a little compassion goes a long way. “For better or worse”is an unfortunate cliche of the times..Staying bound in a marriage that has detrimental effects overall, seems absurd when the alternative over time will make you both stronger, more secure and better parents because of your choices.
Keep your humor, at all costs. It will be the hand that reaches out and pulls you out of a deep ditch every time. It works for me. Any time you feel like venting, ranting (if you don’t happen to have a punching bag..or stipper pole handy)..you know you can give me a holler.
Here is a friend’s website that I think you’ll benefit from. She is one of the first to have started a single parenting after divorce resource site (divorced when her son was just 5), has done the TV circuit..(Remember “Men are From mars, Women are form Venus” w/Cybil Shepherd…yes that long ago. Check it out. In the meantime stay the strong woman you are. It WILL be okay..
http://www.makinglemonade.com/
January 15, 2011 at 1:16 pm
Oops, quit me out as I was typing in my blog address..Hugs Stephanie!
January 15, 2011 at 3:36 pm
have been reading your blog for a while now and i must say that even though i am a new mom and somewhat newlywed, just celebrated my second wedding anniversary that i do feel like a formerly hot chick, trying to get my hot self back. But my deepest wishes for both of you to shine through this tough situation and may you both emerge happier whichever way things end up swaying.
January 16, 2011 at 6:22 pm
I was about to ask whether this means I can unlike that e-vehicle FB group that I joined because you suggested it a while back, but I don’t seem to be a member anymore anyway.
Steph, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. One of my closest friends is in the process of separating, and it’s horrible, even when you have two decent people who are trying to do it as gently as possible.
I have no sage advice, but know that you are in my thoughts.
January 16, 2011 at 7:37 pm
A friend of yours from college with whom I’ve been friends for 20+ years gave me this link, because my wife and I just sent out our separation announcement to a couple of hundred FB friends a few days ago — and when we changed our statuses to “Separated”, we got this pop-up from FB: “Your relationship with XXX will be canceled upon saving these changes.” Nice manners there, Mr. Zuckerberg.
I’m really, really sorry that you’re also going through this. I honestly wouldn’t wish it on anyone. We have 2 kids as well, and needless to say we never planned on any of this happening. But as you say, sometimes it’s the least bad option. But it still hurts enormously. Hang in there, Steph.
January 16, 2011 at 7:51 pm
You, too, Nick. Sigh. Only a guy who has never been married or likely even in a serious relationship would think that was funny.
January 16, 2011 at 7:50 pm
I have tremendously kind readers and friends. Truly.
January 16, 2011 at 8:40 pm
Sigh and ugh. Sometimes that’s all you can say.
January 17, 2011 at 4:57 pm
Been there done that…also after nearly 10 years of marriage. It’s not easy. There are many different emotions involved. Sadness, guilt, a sense of excitement and adventure, loneliness. I found that most days I was ok if I took the time to laugh at myself and count my blessings. Some days were harder than others. Leaving my ex and making a new life for myself and my kids is the hardest thing I have ever done, but also the most rewarding. Looking back, I take pride in the fact that I have been true to myself and that I’ve given my all for my kids. Am I always good at it? No, but as a Formerly, I’ve also learned to forgive myself where I need to and learn from my mistakes. Sorry you are going through this rought time…I wish you and your girls all the best.
January 17, 2011 at 9:19 pm
Thanks, Lisa. It’s good to hear from people who have been there, done that and are happy now.
January 18, 2011 at 4:02 am
I am sorry to hear of your separation. My advice is – enjoy the time you have on your own. Learn a new language, take up yoga – do something you have always wanted to do in the times you don’t have your children. This gives you something positive to focus on in the short term when other decisions are going to take time.
I’ve been separated/divorced (with children) for over 10 years now. Lots of other thoughts but focussing on the positive opportunities is the best short term advice I can think of.
All the best (from New Zealand)
January 18, 2011 at 9:38 am
Thanks, Lee. Very much appreciated.
January 18, 2011 at 11:48 pm
Hey there Steph,
Not much to say that I can offer up publicly, but you have to give yourselves credit for having made it 10 years. Brava! And you just never know how this will all play out. With your girls “front and center,” I’m sure you’ve made the right choice at this moment. Best wishes to you and your large family on FB and off.
February 6, 2011 at 9:34 am
I was reading your blog because I was looking for ideas about writing about looking at (gasp) 70 and I still identify with being formerly hot. This posting surprised me because I was seeing your perfect life and hating mine. A great reminder to not judge by the surface. My life looks perfect to some, I guess.
By the way, I am a divorce lawyer. I’ve practiced in California and Washington state so don’t know much about NY but it sounds harsh. I hope you have discovered collaborative law. Look at the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals. IACP for folks in your area. You could guide others towards a more peaceful divorce.
Best wishes. I’ve been there, too.