kellogg-specialEarly readers of this blog (and my book) might remember a post I did on jeans shopping and how traumatic (in that not-traumatic-compared-to-a-breast-biopsy-but-still-no-fun way) it can be.  In case you don’t or have time to click the above link, I joked about how rather than wearing jeans that say “Young, Fabulous and Broke” on the label, we Formerlies should wear jeans that expressed our true life experience. Things like:

Nothing to Prove Jeans

I Forgot More than You’ll Ever Know Jeans

Talk to Me When You’re 30 Jeans

and May Need Some Help Getting Pregnant These Days Jeans.

There were more. They cracked me up to write, mainly because they were about where we’re at now, how it’s actually kind of cool that we’re here in this ridiculous but more peaceful place, and you know what? We still look A-OK in jeans, as long as they’ve got a little Lycra in ’em. No self-improvement required.

Anyway, so I’m at the gym today kidding myself that I’m exercising and on comes this totally irritating Special K commercial in which this attractive Formerly is jeans shopping.

Lo and behold, the jeans have labels that say “Confident!” and “Sassy!” and a few other things we would ideally like to feel when we pull our denim up over our somewhat less perky than before asses. She picks up a pair, hugs it, smiles and feels more “Confident!” and “Sassy!” already.

The inane voice-over says something about how it would be really great if women could focus on how great jeans make them feel when they fit and not on the number on the label.

Right. Even though the whole point of the ad was to reinforce the idea that to feel “Confident!” and “Sassy!” you need lose weight, which, of course, you need Special K in order to do. Two thirds of a cup with skim milk and not a flake more. Special K will make your ass smaller, and from that comes the confidence and sass that will make your whole life better, your husband not cheat on you and your boss pick someone else to lay off in the next round of downsizing. From Special K, everything flows.

Yes, well.

It’s just a little insulting, don’t you think? That whole “Buy our product that reinforces  your insecurities even as we pretend to wish you freedom from such concerns” thing?

Look, I want my jeans to fit as much as the next gal. I certainly feel more confident, if not sassy, when they are zipped as opposed to bulging open with my underwear showing, and when there’s not too much overhang.

But I’ll be goddamned if I’m going to run out and buy Special K because it serves me up a big bowl of bulls*^t and calls it empowerment.

Leave me alone already. I’m a Formerly. I’d rather be mocked for caring even as much as I do about my jeans (which is much less than I did when I had more time and less butt) than to be condescended to.

Now excuse me while I go eat something. Maybe a cereal that respects me. Clearly I’m having a low blood sugar moment.