Not my booty! (Thanks to Fitness magazine)

Not my booty! (Some hot model in Fitness magazine)

So here’s my question: What if you’re simply not all about that bass, bringing booty back or even a fat-bottomed girl who makes the rockin’ world go round?

In all truthfulness, Sir Mixalot likes big butts (you’ll recall that he cannot lie—not about that, anyway) and Trace Atkins hates to see a woman with a “honky tonk badonkadonk” go but he nonetheless loves to watch her leave.  There was much butt glorification on last night’s AMA’s (see: JLo and Iggy Azalea singing the future classic, Booty).

I’m just wondering, what if, like me, you have an unremarkable butt but a pot belly worthy of an entire chapter in an anatomy text, dappled like expensive luggage with stretch marks due to the remarkable feat of having carried twins? Let’s say you have nice legs–long and thin relative to your belly–but not much of a waist to accentuate your already fairly flat, “white lady” booty. (That’s an inaccurate term, I think, because I have white lady friends with rather majestic rear ends.)  If you read the women’s magazines, which I, of course, do (when I’m not writing stories about butts for them), you know you’re likely either “apple” shaped or “pear” shaped. I’m an apple, otherwise known as an egg-on-a-stick. That is, when I’m heavy—my middle is where all the weight tends to go, rather than to my ass, and so doubling as convenient, portable seat cushioning.

Where are all the hit songs about my body type? Am I, or my fellow eggs-on-sticks any less worthy of love and song lyrics? Yes, for optimum “objective” attractiveness, you’ll be wanting your waist to be 70 percent of your hips (booty inclusive) and blah blah blah. I’m closer to 1:1, 2:1 after a large Thanksgiving meal. But what if the insubstantial butt I do have has a really good personality? And what if there are secret legions of “belly men,” guys who just love a big, squishy tummy you can practically disappear into, who are too afraid to speak out for fear of being mocked by the ass and hooters guys?

I mean, right? And if I’m not right, I’d prefer not to know, so don’t tell me.

Thanks to John, who is working on a song right now, for reminding me that I have a blog and I should write on it.